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i bruised his lips, he bruised my heart

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[11 Jan 2004|02:08am]
new name:


i suppose if you want to be added all that bad you should comment so i know. but don't be offended if i don't, it's going to be super private top secret shit that goes down in there.

hugs and many kisses,
011 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[05 Jan 2004|08:37pm]
everyone who wanted to see me cry.
here's your fucking tears.

this will be deleted permanently.
most likely no new one will be made.

thanks mom for fucking me over right when things started to get better.
02 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[04 Jan 2004|01:22am]
what if...you just stepped off an airplane and told your best friend...the guy/girl you liked...your family...friends...whatever..
and watching the plane take off and turning your back to the wide glass window to walk back home to your home and bed and tv and computer.
then it explodes and they die. and you feel shudder in the air and the heat hits you and the glass like a fucking bomb. the glass shatters and you turn and watch your [others] body burn.

sucks doesn't it.
kiss a curb

oh my god [02 Jan 2004|10:30am]
i'm so upset.
jeeze. anyone ever notice how right when things start getting good, you hit that infamous downfall slope again?

so i get out of the shower and i go to my moms room to borrow her blow dryer and she says she wants to talk to me and that i'm not in trouble or anything.
she says that a month ago someone saw me at steak n shake and heard me say "man this E really messes me up"
and i was obviously under the influence of ecstasy. fucking bullshit.

first off....i don't do that shit. never had and never will.
second off...she said it was a kidd who told her this...not an adult. that's such shit.

i don't even know what to think. i hope she believes me. i'm trying so hard to stay clean and everyone who spends any time with me at all knows that.

fucking last night brian and ryan called me to go smoke out with them and i said no and sat at home and read instead. whateva. i wish she knew how hard i've been trying and how hard it is to stay clean. everyday from the moment i wake up til the second my eyes close at night i crave and crave and someone in the back of my head reminds me that there is a "magic" pill that can get rid of this torment. i haven't even been able to sleep much at night because of this and it really fucking sucks.

but i know that one day it'll be gone. i'll be clean and life will [hopefully] be easier.
i wish i knew who said this to her. grr.
kiss a curb

[02 Jan 2004|10:08am]
there's nothing like taco bell in the morning to cheer a soul up.

with his hand on my back and my head on his chest, skin touching skin, his heart sang me to sleep.

i've so decided that shit can't get me down right now.
kiss a curb

[27 Dec 2003|05:35pm]
i don't know anyone who hasn't hurt me. everyone...you don't understand what it feels like to not have one person...one family member or friend who hasn't hurt you. you would be as dead inside as i am now.

i don't think i'll ever smile or laugh or giggle ever again. i don't think that there will be any more times of happiness or intimate moments.

fuck me. fuck me. fuck me. fuck me times twenty. my stomach hurts so bad and my eyes burn from me trying to keep tears from spilling.

over and over and over again in the car i told myself...
this is why meghan doesn't trust...
this is why meghan doesn't love...
and for the most..meghan doesn't fucking cry over boys or love. never again

why the fuck did i let them in? how could i let someone hold my heart after it being thrown and beaten so many times by those who thought it was a toy....who think my life is a game.

...what is life without love?...nothing, it's a dream
you live for your dreams...
what do you dream about then....to have happiness, to find someone who won't lie and play and manipulate.

i just can't deal this time. there isn't going to be a next time for me to open up my heart and emotions to someone, to anyone.

you will look into my eyes and see stone. you will touch my face and feel no emotion, no quivering lips, no smile twitching to come out.

today i built the gate and have locked the doors. there is nothing you can do.
04 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

to my malakye [18 Dec 2003|09:11pm]
ok so here it is.
i am so sorry. i have tried everything i could to avoid anything that could lead up to any type of drama. but i managed to even fuck that up.
with all of our talks on not falling in love, not pursuing relationships, not wanting just one person...i was lying the entire time. i mean yeah, me as much as anyone sucks at life when it comes to love.
i knew that first night in lakeland that my feelings for you would get me in trouble.
haha they did too. but it was so bad, i think i almost fell head over heels.
hell, maybe i did.

i took you off my list because even though i reached the realization long ago that it wasn't love and it wasn't meant to be...it still hurt so bad to see those posts of young love and beauty.

i never told you i loved you before. once you said it and i was too fucking scared to move a finger.
i promise i'm not in love with you...and i'm not going to start any bullshit...just cause i know where my place is. but, i do love you dear. nothing that has happened has been because of you. it's all of my own stupid faults and mistakes.

xo dear.
i hope this explains everything.
01 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[06 Dec 2003|11:35pm]
Bang Bang Your Dead is one of the best movies i have ever seen in my entire life.
i've never seen the last half until today. it was good. it shows what your mind and your environment can do to you.

if anyone has a lj code i can use, i'll be your bff
05 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[27 Nov 2003|06:11pm]
def found shredder. i was so scared and sad that i had resorted to skipping dinner and laying in my bed staring at the clothes in my closet.
when i walked out to the table she walked out of the laundry room. i was happy.
really really really happy.

i love my kitty. <3
02 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[27 Nov 2003|02:19pm]
shredder is missing.
the back door was open and dorothy saw her run toward the door.
i've been looking for her everywhere, inside and out. i'm so scared. she's in heat too.

i swear that if she doesn't come back, i'll flip my shit. i will be so scared.

i want to cry. no one else seems to care that she's missing. my family is so lame.
02 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[11 Nov 2003|10:31pm]
i feel anxious.
i know that i will eat away my problems.
i love my friends so much and i don't want to lose them.
i don't want to get in trouble.
i don't want to break hearts.

and even more then all, i don't want to ruin someone else's relationship. [!!!]

i've been putting off saying this for ever a week...just so that i could think about it more and make sure that i'm doing the right thing.

i've decided to return back to being a vegetarian. i'm not going to go back to anything dairy/ anything mcdonalds/ eggs n such... i'm still going to avoid leather and animal products....but i feel like i'm trying to live something that right now i'm not meant to live. so i guess strict vegetarian would be the proper term? i don't care...labels don't mean anything. it's all what i make it. i just want to do whats right for me and the animals combined. <3
the end.
03 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[11 Nov 2003|12:32am]
today was club day and since allyson wasn't at school i was the only girl in the vica [auto] club. it was great. all the guys were teasing me and i was laughing harder then i've laughed in a while. i "borrowed" this one boy, Joel's big shiny cross necklace and told him i would give it back 7th pd [he's in my auto class]. All day I was showin off my ice. so 7th period i sat with him because there was a huge wasp next to my seat and we were talking all period. i learned alot about him which was cool. we never really talked much because we hang out with such different groups. he asked me why i don't have a boyfriend and i said "boys can't handle me." and he just said "oh yeah?" and smiled. i laughed and said yeah.

i played "Konstantine" by Something Corporate over and over on the way to the mall and back tonight. it reminded me of when mike and i were walking next to the water, talking about how we can't believe that we both sorta liked them [as if thats a bad thing?] i just remembered that. haha it's a good song.
i decided that if a boy ever played that song for me on the piano and sang, that i'd marry him.

when i got home i laid down and turned off the lights. read a little but then just laid there and pulled all the pillows closer. thinking that maybe if i just closed my eyes, i could hear a heart beat through the pillow, maybe his legs would be intertwined in mine, and my head would rest on his chest, falling asleep with a smile. but until i find him i guess i'm sol.

here's some family pictures. i'm sure they'll bore you but my family rocks. and all you boys out there need to see how big my brothers are before you think about ever breaking my heart <3 haha
dnaCollapse )<img src="</lj-cut>
07 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[04 Nov 2003|05:35pm]
it's funny how much you miss when you're driving.
walking down the street that i drive down everyday, i saw beautiful houses, hell, beautiful sidewalks.

i saw a cat sitting in the window staring out and it was awsome. watching something enjoying the view made the view better for me.

then i walked up to my place and saw my own cat sitting in the window staring out and enjoying the view. she does that all the time, i always see her from the inside, ya know? but it never hit me. i love my cat.

schuyler, where are you?
i miss you kidd.
you haven't been on in forever, i know that you're in your new place so i'm guessing you don't have the net. but lemme know. uh huh. yeah. hehe
01 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[02 Nov 2003|10:40pm]
it's funny how when you really don't want to do your research paper....you find so many other things that need to be done.
08 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[01 Nov 2003|01:17am]
i feel like ass.
i'm going to fail my senior year.
i'm going to fail my sat's tomorrow, and homecoming will suck
if i am killed, my father will feel guilty.
my thoughts and my tv are drowning me.
i want ice cream. bad. no way.
fuck this man.
02 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[26 Oct 2003|12:09am]
LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:lettingoftonight
Your haiku:doing to him mmmy head
is raaccccinnng.but it's not too
bad i was away
Created by Grahame
kiss a curb

[14 Oct 2003|10:58pm]
[ mood | uglier then ugly ]

my mom was explaining to me earlier what grandpa's drugs were doing to him. she said for a while he was hallucinating, thought he was on an airplane to Las Vagas [him and grandma were sposed to go but she died] and he was telling my mom how it was the strangest plane he'd ever been on, and that he kept asking for wine and they only gave him water, and how everytime he got up to find a bathroom they would make him go back to his seat [he was found wondering the halls].
then he thought that the nurse was one of uncle bobbies ex girlfriends, and was convinced that she was trying to murder grandpa and mom and aunt jane. so he was saying how they had to get out of there as soon as possible, and how if only he had a gun, he would take care of it.
my mom laughed when she told me, but only to cover up the pain.he's in so much pain, his kidney's shut down tonight so they're trying a new medication. i hate to say this, but it's time for him to let go. he can't live the last month of his life on drugs, scared of everything. everybody is too scared to let him let go.

i went into the kitchen to pick up a slim fast bar that my mom buys for herself, and a scary black spider fell off of it as i opened it. i was scared.
i'm going to eat myself to death. my lack of self control raped me. the diet pills are screaming my name over and over.

05 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[08 Oct 2003|08:03pm]
my head is raaccccinnng.
but it's not too bad, i was able to shove it way back in my mind.

guess whose on their peerrioood!
haha no not me. shredder. that cat is going nuts! she's like rubbing all over everything and fucking yowling her head off. i need to get her fixed.
i'm kind of debating the idea though, you know doing that kind of thing to an animal when they can't choose it. it's taking her right to have babies away.
buttttt if she happened to get out or something and got pregnant, that would just add to the overabundance of animals just like dogs and cats, i don't want to add to that, if i was able to get more animals, i would get them from the pound or something.
so i guess i might just get her fixed.
i'd really really like to know what everyone thinks on it. i'd like to know both sides of the arguement before taking out my kitties reproduction organs.

ok. i guess it's time to watch some Forensic Files and go to sleep. haha beautiul..
ps:ty sweety i care
but you need to stop talking shit about me kiddo.
05 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[07 Oct 2003|12:00am]
your last everything:

last cigarette: hehe about twenty minutes ago
last car ride: eh. mine?
last kiss: hmm harts, uh i mean. Ty
last good cry: about a week ago when I had that breakdown at my dads house
last movie seen: school of rock
last cuss word uttered: probably fuck, or shit
last beverage drank: water
last food consumed: peanuts
last crush: some 10 year old on school of rock. hahah
last phone call: mossey
last tv show watched: forensic files
last time showered: whoa. um. yesterday i hope. maybe the day before. hehe
last shoes worn: my super cool mary janes
last cd played: My rilo kiley mix <3
last item bought: a shirt from Bebe
last downloaded: uhm. its been a while since ive d/l anything
last annoyance: ty
last disappointment: ty
last soda drank: mountain dew
last thing written: letters for 2 of my online buds
last word spoken: spoken [i read outloud] hehe
last sleep: 2:30am-12:15pm
last im: malakye
last weird encounter: mm last night with my fucking crazy neighbor who yelled at hart and i :-/
last ice cream eaten: not in a long time kiddos
last time amused: when my cat ran head first into the wall and left a mark
last time wanting to die: hm a while ago
last time in love: mm don't believe in love
last underwear worn: haha long time ago as well. i think it was harts though...hmmm
last bra worn: haha harts way-to-small maroon one
last shirt worn: my throwdown shirt
last time dancing: believe it was yesterday in the car.
last poster looked at: jeeze. no idea
last show attended: atreyu :-/
last webpage visited: before this? peta.com
01 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

[06 Oct 2003|01:00am]
today was boring. work...was ok. slightly boring but i managed to entertain myself.
hart and i went to see a movie, i called nikki to see if she wanted to go but she didn't pick up.
ty, seriously, you are such a pretentious little fuck. get over yourself because you have managed to lower your standards so much that i no longer respect you. sorry kiddo, you've fucked yourself over. you're below me.
you're not even good at what you love so much. haha i love the fact that you think that you're the shit but you really don't know anything. no, really. i know girls that are better kissers then you. i would be over this if there was something to be over dear.

hart is spending the night. i'm happy. it's great, beautiful. but i'm not going to UCF tomorrow because my grandpa is really really sick and in the hospital so we're kind of preparing for a trip to texas and a funeral. so sad. i feel bad for my mom. she just lost her mom in december :-/ this is going to be tough.

i need a gay guy, a little taller then me, long-ish dark hair with two lip rings and a tattoo. if anyone knows of one give me a call. hehe
03 [bloody teeth] kiss a curb

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